| Season 5: Episode 13|
(110 / 231 episodes)
|Air date||January 5, 1993|
|Written by||Bruce Rasmussen|
|Directed by||Andrew D. Weyman|
It's No Place Like Home for The Holidays
War and Peace
Crime and Punishment was the 13th episode of Season 5 of Roseanne, also the 110th overall series episode. Written by Bruce Rasmussen, the episode was directed by Andrew D. Weyman. It originally aired on ABC-TV on January 5, 1993.
DJ brings one of Darlene's comic books to school and a teacher calls it "obscene." When Darlene seeks DJ out for stealing her book, she finds Jackie in the bathroom covered with bruises. When Roseanne and Dan realize that Fisher has been beating her, Dan beats Fisher up and lands in jail. Ed Begley, Jr. appears in this episode.
Roseanne senses a change in Jackie, and wonders what is going on. She's been very uptight and jumpy, not her usual laid-back, easy going self. After a minor difference of opinion at the diner, Jackie left the diner in a tearful rage. Roseanne is left clueless.
At home, Dan receives a phone call from DJ's school principal. He needs to see a parent down in his office, DJ had been caught with inappropriate reading material. Since Roseanne was at work, he headed on down to take care of the issue. He was positive that DJ had taken his Playboy magazines to school.
Dan soon finds out that the offensive material did come from the Conner home. It was a comic that Darlene had created with a dark theme. Dan was relieved, and soon shocked, as he thumbed through the pages. Darlene is livid when she finds out that DJ had snuck her comic out, and had taken it to school. Out for revenge, she takes off after him with a water gun, prepared to soak him.
As Roseanne is looking for something to make for dinner, Jackie shows up to apologize for her tantrum earlier. She offers to take Roseanne out to a movie. Sensing that her guilt might provide dinner as well, Roseanne suggests one. Jackie agrees, and heads off to the rest room to change, and freshen up.
Thinking that DJ was hiding in the bathroom, Darlene busts in the door with her squirt gun aimed, and ready to shoot. Instead, she sees Jackie changing her shirt, with a back full of dark bruises. Jackie yells at her to get out, Darlene quickly shuts the door, and heads downstairs.
Puzzled, she asks Roseanne what is wrong with Aunt Jackie. After a sarcastic remark, Darlene explains what she saw upstairs. Jackie enters the kitchen and again, Darlene is sent from the room. She asks her first, what happened, then lifts up the back of her shirt to see for herself. A shocked Roseanne is at a loss for words. They go into the kitchen where Jackie begins to tell Roseanne how Fisher has just had a rough time and she blames herself for Fisher hitting her. Jackie begins to cry and Roseanne hugs Jackie, and Dan walks in. He wonders what is wrong.
Roseanne explains that Fisher has beaten the hell out of Jackie. Jackie and Roseanne go into the living room and Dan takes off. Roseanne and Jackie are talking about going to a hospital but Jackie is hesitant at first, but Roseanne said they could go to a hospital out of town, and use fake names. She agreed to be looked at.
Roseanne and Jackie arrive home first, and Jackie is out of it, due to some pain medication the doctor had administered. She goes upstairs to lie down for awhile, and in walks Dan, with a bucket of fried chicken. Roseanne follows him into the kitchen, and sees that his knuckles are swollen. She says "Oh, God,Dan, you didn't KILL him, and go out for chicken afterwards did you?"
As they are relaxing in the living room, the Lanford Police come for Dan. They are friends of the family, and feel terrible for arresting him, but Fisher pressed charges. Roseanne sticks a piece of chicken in his mouth, as they take him away, joking. The officer tells Roseanne to hurry up and meet him at the police station with one hundred dollars so he can be bailed out.
The episode ends when the police cruiser rolls to a stop and is joined by DJ's school principal in the next car, who sheepishly locks his car door after seeing Dan in the police car's back seat.
- Laurie Metcalf won an Emmy for her performance in this episode.
- Roseanne offers to take Jackie to the hospital in Elgin, giving a clue as to Lanford's location.
- Accoridng to Sara Gilbert in 2018's Laff's Roseanne Family Favorites Week, this is her favorite episode of Roseanne.
- The teen boy wearing a red shirt at the diner in this episode, Brice Beckham, also played Wesley from the 80s sitcom "Mr. Belvedere."
- Principal: (To Dan when seeing him in the school instead of Roseanne) We thought you were dead.
- Dan: I mean, we had underground comics in our day, but they were nothing like this. Ours were about depraved sex and drug abuse. This is a cry for help!
- Darlene: (referring to the bath beads broken apart in her back pockets from a prank pulled by D.J.) I'm walking around school and everybody's pointing at my butt and laughing. For a moment I knew the pain of being Becky.
- Dan [when he’s been called into the principal’s office at DJ’s school because DJ brought offensive material to school; the principal slides the object to Dan]: DJ, you brought a comic book to school? (relieved) Good boy. Good, good boy.
- Darlene: What's my comic book doing out here?
- Dan: DJ got caught with it at school today. We have to talk.
- Darlene: That's it...Hire a hearse, pick out a plot.
- Roseanne: The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't have to sleep in shifts.
- Darlene: What happened to Aunt Jackie?
- Roseanne: Some say environment, but I say she was born that way.
- Darlene: Well was she in an accident?
- Roseanne: No, why?
- Darlene: Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
- Roseanne: She didn't tell me about that.
- Jackie: What kind of obscene material could DJ have?
- Roseanne: Oh, I dunno. Probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.
- Roseanne [to Jackie]: You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
- Jackie: W---why can't you just leave it alone?
- Roseanne: That son of a bitch!
- [When Dan comes home after assaulting Fisher]
- Roseanne: (seeing Dan's swollen hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him, then go buy chicken, did you?
- Dan: No, I bought the chicken first.