| Season 8: Episode 25|
(198 / 231 episodes)
|Air date||May 21, 1996|
|Written by|| Teleplay by: Cynthia Mort and Sid Youngers |
Story by: Eric Gilliland
|Directed by||Mark K. Samuels|
Heart & Soul
(Season 9 premiere)
It originally aired on ABC-TV on May 21, 1996.
Dan returns home to strict diet regime and other rules, but he goes against it behind Roseanne's back. When she finds out, it leads to a huge argument during which old resentments are brought up and the house is trashed due to their anger at each other.
In the end, Roseanne walks out as her marriage to Dan looks on the verge of complete collapse.
- Dan: Oh, well, look at this stuff, honey. Peas, carrots, squash? I mean, here I am, a grown man, and you've got me eating like a rabbit.
Roseanne: Yeah, well, I know it's hard, but just keep it up, a little time passes, and you're stuck in a rut, which is right up your alley.
Dan: Well, doctor's orders or not, I can't do this, honey, it's hell. I can't live this way. I mean, I want my food back, you know, real food. Dead animals, brightly colored snacks, things on sticks.
Roseanne: Yeah, well, I'm not gonna keep cooking those crap dinners that got you in this mess in the first place, Dan.
Dan: Well, what about all the crap breakfasts and crap lunches?
- Roseanne: Well, gee, Dan! If you don't like my cooking, maybe you should cook yourself.
Dan: Well, maybe I will.
Roseanne: Oh yeah? Maybe you should. That'll be fun to watch.
Dan: Fine! (He slaps the table and shoves his chair out from under it to get up) You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'M FIXING DINNER!
Roseanne: Oh, but honey, you just fixed dinner eleven years ago!
Roseanne: You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self control. You're Jerry Garcia without the music.
- Dan (to Roseanne): You're calling me fat?
- Roseanne: Yeah, I'm calling you fat.
- Dan: Well, if that ain't the big, fat pot calling the kettle black!
- Dan: I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were and just look at the way they turned out.
- Roseanne: I think they turned out great.
- Dan: Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids!
- Roseanne: No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!
- Roseanne (to Dan): Well, what the hell do you think I was doing all those years at Wellman's and Rodbell's and the beauty parlor and the diner? You think I was just earning enough money to go out and buy new hats? And if it wasn't for me, the bank would've came and took this house a long time ago, Dan.
- Dan (to Roseanne about their children): They're failures, Roseanne and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!
- Roseanne: The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man just like I did.
- Dan: You didn't throw away a thing.
- Roseanne: Yes, I did, Dan. I threw everything away.
- Dan (to Roseanne): Well, you just move to Chicago for all I care. Then maybe your damn family won't be hanging around here all the time. Give me some room for my family to come. Hell, they can't even show up for Thanksgiving anymore.
- Roseanne: Oh, so that's it, huh? It's my fault that you don't have any kind of relationship with your family? God, you are pathetic! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?
- Dan: Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people!
- Roseanne: Well, my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!
- Dan: Boy, I'll tell you, I wish I had never m....
- Roseanne: What? Say it.
- Dan: Nothin'
- Roseanne: Well, that makes two of us. You can die if you want to, Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.